Presence, Not Proximity
Bringing important relationships back from the margins—and keeping them there.
Years ago, in Spain, I learned to put human relationships at the center of life and work. At the time, that felt like a revelation. After two weeks back in Spain this summer—and two more catching up on everything I’d paused to be there—that lesson feels less like inspiration and more like responsibility. It’s not something you remember once; it’s something you keep alive.
What I noticed most on this trip wasn’t a new idea. It was the quiet space that had opened up between me and people who matter—friends and collaborators I’ve shared real history with. Nothing dramatic happened. The connections just slipped from the middle of my life to the edges. I kept an eye on birthdays and milestones. I sent quick “¿Qué tal?” and “we should catch up” texts that never found a time or place. It felt like maintenance. In reality, it was awareness standing in for relationship.
Spain has a way of making that visible. The place runs on a people-first rhythm: conversations that aren’t in a hurry to end, meals that stretch without apology, work that makes room for presence. That rhythm isn’t the point of this story, but it created the right conditions for the fact to land. When I finally sat across from the people I’d been meaning to see — for years at this point — the distance I’d imagined didn’t hold up for long.
Psychologists call what I’d been doing “passive relational maintenance”—staying loosely aware of each other’s lives and mistaking that awareness for connection. Sound familiar? Well, it isn’t enough. We’re wired for presence. In-person time releases oxytocin, the hormone that strengthens trust and deepens bonds. You don’t need a study to tell you that, but it helps explain why a single unhurried conversation can close a gap that months of messages can’t.
I watched it happen over and over again. A morning coffee turned into a three-hour walk. A quick dinner plan turned into a night of laughter, reminding me exactly why this person mattered to me in the first place. We didn’t march through a checklist of updates. We fell back into the kind of talk people only have when there’s real history and the clock isn’t in charge. It made me wonder how many other relationships I’ve let go dark—and how little it would take to bring them back to life.
The truth is, it doesn’t take much. Relationships don’t hold their strength indefinitely, but they also don’t demand constant care. They ask for deliberate care. For me, that looks like a few simple habits I’m recommitting to:
Know who matters most. Keep a short list of the 15–20 people who truly shape your life and work, then focus on them.
Create a cadence. Weekly coffees, monthly calls, or an annual trip—whatever you’ll actually do. Intention won’t cut it; you have to act!
Choose the most human channel you can. Meet in person if possible, then video, then voice; text only when there’s no better option.
Show up without an agenda. Don’t bring a request. Bring value or simply attention — bring yourself and be present.
None of that is complicated—maybe that’s why it’s so easy to put off. But the renewal can be surprisingly quick when you start. One coffee. One walk. One evening where nobody’s trying to be the first to leave. The connection you remember has a way of reappearing the moment you give it room.
If someone comes to mind as you read this, don’t wait for the the right time. Skip the like button and the “sometime soon.” Call them. If you can, meet for coffee or a Coke. Let the conversation go long. You may find, as I did, that the distance you thought had grown isn’t nearly as wide as you imagined — and that the connection you remember is still right there, waiting.
Thanks for reading,
—Ryan
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Reading list
If you're looking to go deeper on the themes from this week's newsletter, here are a few books that pair well with the conversation and offer a broader perspective on learning, systems, and the future of work:
Never Eat Alone by Keith Ferrazzi — A classic on building and keeping meaningful professional relationships, without the transactional feel.
Digital Minimalism by Cal Newport — A framework for reclaiming time and attention from the distractions that keep you “sort of” connected but rarely present.
The Art of Gathering by Priya Parker — A smart and practical look at how to design gatherings—both personal and professional—that foster real human connection and purpose.
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